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I’m going to give you a little advice dear reader. I’ve made the biggest mistakes in my life because I tried to turn myself into something I thought the world wanted me to be. My most anxiety ridden moments happened because I thought that I needed to define myself by someone else’s standard rather than just living by my own. One of the things that writing has taught me is that I need to quiet myself, that is when I hear my characters voices most clearly. The point I’m trying to make is this. Happiness is a subjective state. What makes one person happy might not be true for another. The only person you need to please is yourself. When I tried to shape myself to reach somebody else’s standards, all I got was depressed. Shape your world. Don’t let the world shape you.

I’ve discovered something I’ve coined ‘The Badass Problem.’ I have a penchant for wanting my characters to be Badass; I want them to always know what to do and I want them to always come out on top. There’s a problem with that sort of thinking. Life just doesn’t work that way. People make mistakes and screw up. Sometimes they fail, sometimes they succeed. But they always grow, and they learn. Where’s the balance between reality and fantasy that must be judiciously observed so that the audience does not lose interest? That is ‘The Badass Problem.’

Any thoughts?

I want to talk about embarrassment. Its a hard thing with which to contend. We all have to deal with it many times in many situations. The trick to coping with embarrassment is to understand that it is an internal force. Embarrassment works by eroding the foundation of self-esteem. If a person is comfortable with themselves the actions of other people can’t embarrass them.

a couple of weeks ago, I went to the mall for coffee with a friend. I needed to wait. So I ran around the mall for a while. While I was doing that, three different children asked their parents What was wrong with me. Each of their parents chastised them loudly enough for me to hear. I was neither embarrassed nor offended by their question, in fact, I would have gladly answered them. The children asked their question because they saw someone who looked different and wanted to understand why, not because they wanted to cause pain or embarrassment.

If our society wants children to learn tact and discretion, they need to be given an opportunity to exercise and hone that skill. We also need to teach them that being different is alright. One of the ways we can do that is to indulge innocent childish curiosity. What do you think those kids learned by being chastised the way they were? They could have learned not to look at or speak with people in wheelchairs. They may ignore them in the future. That doesn’t make my life easier, and, more importantly, it won’t make their life easier either. It will only perpetuate their ignorance and fear. We need to let children be children, despite potential embarrassment. If we do that, life will be better for everyone.

Happy New Year Everyone!

I’ve had a relatively productive year. I am very proud of finishing a fifth draft of my manuscript and sending it to a Beta reader. Its hard for me to put myself out there like that. So, when I get up the nerve to show my work to someone, I feel proud. Writing has been challenging but its a challenge I can meet. What are some of your resolutions for 2106?

Star Wars is my favorite movie franchise. I loved the original trilogy. I even liked the prequels. Star Wars is one of the things that got me into Fantasy. So, as you can imagine, I loved this movie. It was familiar and new at the same time. The old character and the new characters meshed well. I felt it was symmetrical with what had come before. I am happy.

A life lived without passion is a life unlived, that sounds like a quote. I don’t remember if anyone actually said it, but that doesn’t make its message any less true. Passion makes life worth it, it gives us a reason to get up in the morning and opens us to the joys of Life. Its the that powers the engine of human endeavor. That’s why I’m writing, its a passion project. But, I have always believed that one of the most important skills one can cultivate within oneself is the ability to maintain perspective. The fires of passion must continually be stoked to warm the coils of joy in our hearts. Even though fire can warm, it can just as easily burn. Passion must be controlled, life must be balanced and controlled. If not passion will burn you. But if you control your passion it will warm you your whole life.

As the holidays draw near, I find myself thinking of nostalgia, and remembering the past. The holidays bring me feelings of excitement and longing like a there year old hoping to catch a glimpse of Santa. The holidays have always been a central point about which my life turns. They give me a sense of continuity to my life. The holidays evoke nostalgic feelings that anchor me in my chaotic world, an anchor I find myself needing more and more. Happy Holidays everyone. I wish you calmness and peace.

“If an ordinary person is silent, it may be a tactical maneuver. If a writer is silent, he is lying.”–Jaroslav Seifert

I have been debating rather to write this for months. But today, I found it could not be denied. I ran across Jaroslav Seifert’s quote and he threw down the gauntlet and challenged me. When he said “If a writer is silent, he is lying,” what he told me is “Erik, when you write, write your truth.” Well, okay, I’ll do that. But in order to do that, I have to look deep inside myself and think about things that I don’t like to think about a whole lot, confront feelings I’d rather not admit to having, and write words that, were I to voice them aloud, would leave a bitter taste in my mouth. Before I write another word Let me first elucidate that I write these words to illicit neither pity nor adoration. I write these word because, as Seifert so eloquently reminded me, they are my truth.

I want to talk about being labeled, and how the labels that are attached to us can affect our lives. I’ve been labeled all my life: Spastic, Gimp, etc. These labels greatly contributed to my ambivalent feelings about my disability. But the word I was labeled the most is “Special.” Everybody said I have “Special Needs.”

The word “Special,” is a homonym that can vary its meaning depending on what society thinks about it. Being labeled special can either garner admiration or pity depending on the thoughts of the person who says it, and the person who receives the label. It can elevate, or lower people and influence their personal truth. The truth that Siefert compels me to set down here is that I don’t like being considered “Special.” I don’t like having a disability, or using a wheelchair I’d rather not have “Special Needs.” I also know that they’re a part of me, something with which I must contend.

Here’s how I try to think of myself. I’m a disabled man, yes, but I am a man first. I want what men want, I think what men think, and I feel what men feel, that doesn’t make me special. I am equal to anybody else. I don’t want to be special I want to be equal. I do what people do. I make choices and live with the consequences, but it doesn’t make me special, it makes me equal to everybody else, that is what I want to be.

Why do we write stories? A story is simply a way to explain things that we don’t understand. I don’t understand many things about my life. I do not understand why I was born with a disability I don’t understand why I was born different. I have read The Bible. Specifically, The Book of Job. Job was written so that people could understand how a loving God could allow the righteous to suffer. Job was a righteous man after all, so, why should he suffer?

Job found himself in the unlikely position of being the fulcrum between the holy and profane; good and evil. After losing his family and possessions. Job asks why and throws down his gauntlet, “Let the Almighty answer me!” he angrily proclaims. God confronts him and says “Where was thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me if you have understanding.” (Job 38:4) When this exchange is finished, Job realizes he’s overstepped his bounds, repents and begs forgiveness, which, of course, he is granted.

So, what is the moral of this story? What are we meant to take from it? Perhaps they’re some things we are not meant to understand. Perhaps our understanding is only shaped through our experience of questioning and wondering, and growing. If we knew all the answers, what need would we have to question, learn, grow, evolve?

So, how must I deal with things I can’t understand? Well, I write. I’m writing a story about an Elf in a world of humans. He is a square peg trying to fit into a round hole often I feel the same. I go through what he goes through, yet, even with all his hardships, he perseveres and usually accomplishes his goal. If he can do that, perhaps I can too. There will always be things we do not understand, but we must persevere in the shadow of ignorance.

Victor Frankl is one of my most favorite thinkers and Philosophers. The basic truth of his philosophy is that the last human freedom, perhaps the only human freedom, is that we van choose to react to the things that happen to us. because of my physical circumstance. It is often difficult for me to remember that I do have control over some things, most notably, my attitude and demeanor toward the events and people around me, for it is that control, which sculpts and shapes my character as a human being.

As a writer, Frankl has proven to be of value to me in another way, he said, “What gives light must endure burning.” I have often hard of light being used as for talent. Light burns out and talent can do likewise. However, talent cannot grow it is used and nurtured so there’s a risk of burn out. I guess its true that nothing is achieved without risk. Yet another of life’s paradoxes Frankel was fond of pointing out. Hopefully my talent can be nurtured a long time before burning out.